Informercial Weekly!

M'kay I've memorised my lines. "Say it to me." We're a good business, why not invest. "Okay that's good but the smile has to be cheesier. Cheesier. Cheesier. CHEESIER. CHEESIER! Too cheesy get out of my sight you ignorant bastard!" "But before Scrontium Dog the animated series, we have a special informercial from Jonny D through the magic of television." Wait, what? Scrontium Dog the animated series? This isn't even live what the fu- "We know it strange you little retard but still that doesn't mean you can't talk about your pissing company!!!" Well hello, children, I'm here to introduce the wonders of star wars memoribillia and cigars. I realise you're to young to smoke and- "Thats not a cigar, it's a cigarette with some thick cardboard wrapped around it." Shut up. "Whats star wars?" What's star wars, what star- I'll tell you what star wars is it's the seminal 1979 melodrama! Dustin Hoffman plays Han Solo, now his wife Princess Leia. Has divorced him and Han must learn to take care of his son and fight in custody to keep little Luke. "JESUS FREAKIN' CHRIST!!! GET HIM OFF THE AIR!!!" "Why I don't understand?" "WADDYA MEAN HE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT PISSING STAR WARS HE'S EXPLAINING THE PLOT OF KRAMER VS. FRIGGING KRAMER TO THESE KIDS!!!!" "Oh he's going on about a sequel. Let's watch" "In Star Wars 2 Luke becomes a sport agent then has a moral ephiphany. "I'm keeping my ears closed what's he saying." "Errr you liked the movie Jerry Maguire didn't you sir?" "Right shut the cameras off." Camera's off, lights on!" Aww look at that there's a little girl. What is it honey? "I've seen star wars once and..." SHUT UP BITCH!!!
The next day in The Lodge.
Honey I'm home!!! "Stop calling me honey I'm Argus." Yeah well that's not a great name either. Anyway I got us a new cooker. "But our other cooker is a week old." So this one has the best feature ever known to cooking appliances. "COOL! I'll throw the old one out." So Argus is going to throw the old one out just looking at the cooker made me make food. Hey Argus I made rice pudding! "Cool, thats rice with a hershey bar in it." Shut up you R-Tard and look at our new cooker. "It's identical to our old one." Yes, but the feature. "Which is?" It tells you the last time you cooked. "Where did you get the money for this?" Those infomercials. "And you got." Err 10,000 bucks. "FU-"