Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Informercial Weekly!

M'kay I've memorised my lines. "Say it to me." We're a good business, why not invest. "Okay that's good but the smile has to be cheesier. Cheesier. Cheesier. CHEESIER. CHEESIER! Too cheesy get out of my sight you ignorant bastard!" "But before Scrontium Dog the animated series, we have a special informercial from Jonny D through the magic of television." Wait, what? Scrontium Dog the animated series? This isn't even live what the fu- "We know it strange you little retard but still that doesn't mean you can't talk about your pissing company!!!" Well hello, children, I'm here to introduce the wonders of star wars memoribillia and cigars. I realise you're to young to smoke and- "Thats not a cigar, it's a cigarette with some thick cardboard wrapped around it." Shut up. "Whats star wars?" What's star wars, what star- I'll tell you what star wars is it's the seminal 1979 melodrama! Dustin Hoffman plays Han Solo, now his wife Princess Leia. Has divorced him and Han must learn to take care of his son and fight in custody to keep little Luke. "JESUS FREAKIN' CHRIST!!! GET HIM OFF THE AIR!!!" "Why I don't understand?" "WADDYA MEAN HE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT PISSING STAR WARS HE'S EXPLAINING THE PLOT OF KRAMER VS. FRIGGING KRAMER TO THESE KIDS!!!!" "Oh he's going on about a sequel. Let's watch" "In Star Wars 2 Luke becomes a sport agent then has a moral ephiphany. "I'm keeping my ears closed what's he saying." "Errr you liked the movie Jerry Maguire didn't you sir?" "Right shut the cameras off." Camera's off, lights on!" Aww look at that there's a little girl. What is it honey? "I've seen star wars once and..." SHUT UP BITCH!!!
The next day in The Lodge.
Honey I'm home!!! "Stop calling me honey I'm Argus." Yeah well that's not a great name either. Anyway I got us a new cooker. "But our other cooker is a week old." So this one has the best feature ever known to cooking appliances. "COOL! I'll throw the old one out." So Argus is going to throw the old one out just looking at the cooker made me make food. Hey Argus I made rice pudding! "Cool, thats rice with a hershey bar in it." Shut up you R-Tard and look at our new cooker. "It's identical to our old one." Yes, but the feature. "Which is?" It tells you the last time you cooked. "Where did you get the money for this?" Those infomercials. "And you got." Err 10,000 bucks. "FU-"

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Reducement For Anything.

You may be tired of all these other cleaning products which claim to clean 100% of all stains, but only Clean freak gets rid of all stains, and press this button at the back and you get a fresh burst of Kelvin Kline's obsession for Cleaning Appliances. That hurt my eyes. "OK, we're out, great work Jonny." Is there an eyewash station anywhere "No but your assistant is hold a sieve filled with hot water to dip your eyes in." Look Steve, man, why'd you put it through a sieve. "You promised me some cigars if I did this, plus I'm a crap assistant." You sure are Steve you sure are. Hey Ted. "My name is Toby." Right, when do I get my paycheck? "I don't know you're a good man Jonny, so I'll tell you what, talk to that financier over there and he'll tell you." Fancier? "Piss off." OK.
(Jonny walks up to the financier.)
Look, Mr Financier. "Yes." When do I get my paycheck. "All of your paychecks are set to your agent, I do believe he is a Mr. Rich, Richie Rich." Err yeah he's right over there. "What that one socializing with the director?" Yes. "Then go talk to him." Alright I will. Richie how ya doin' now. "Who are you." "Look Jonny D I really think you should pi-" "This man he's the perfect man we've been looking for. Identical physique, hair color, eye color, height. Jonny D how you would you like to be a character in our new animated remake of he cartoon series-" "How can you have the identical physique for a cartoon series?" "Shut up- in the remake of Dr. N!Godatu!!!!!" There is a long pause. What in the name of hell is Dr. N!Godatu?? "I'll talk more as soon as we get there. D you want the job?" Sure.
The next day.
"Jonny D you'll get to play everyones favorites. The Carlisles, Bill Wallhead, Mr. Marsh. Oh yeah you'll also play Elaine." Right. I don't know what this show is about. "Basically it's about Dr. Janice N!Godatu voiced by Kerry Dustin from THE die hard dracula. Theres someone called Pat she somehow comes into it. Shes voiced by Stephanie Nielson from Manos: The hands of fate. Action!"

Act I

Dr. N!Godatu: Hello, as you know, I'm Dr. Janice N!Godatu. (coughs). Ah, I seem to have caught a cold. (Hitting the intercom) Elaine, call the Carlisles. There's something wrong with the Fish Tank. Tell them it's an emer(cough)gency. (looking at the fish bobbing vertically up and down) I don't think fish are supposed to do that!

Act II

Dr. N!Godatu: Oh, dear...

Elaine on intercom: Dr. N!Godatu, the Carlisles are here.

Dr. N!Godatu: Send them in Elaine.

Carlisle Bro: (coming through the door, speaking in unison) What seems to be the trouble?

Dr. N!Godatu: I'm glad you're here! Look, the fish are...

Carlisle Bro: Something is wrong with you're fish tank! That'll be $67.50! Ho, Ho, Ha, Ha, Ha!

"Thats a wrap." Yeah I'm going back to my crappy commercials.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Meeting (And Temporarily Beating) Mavis.

"Hey Jonny D what does this thing do." I'll tell you what it does you put food in set a time for the food to be heated. Called a microwave. "Kewl." My Irish half-brother Mavis is coming to stay but that was that arrested one from Carls five who was asking what the microwave was. The adoption agency kidnapped me and gave me a choice between picking a kid with eenie meenie strategy. Or meeting their master Jigsaw. Like everyone else... I wanted to know why he was called jigsaw and why the murderous of the five was up for adoption.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Jonny D, Master Detective

Today there is a story of true disturbance, a merciless tale of greed and smartness, after the Jonny D show. (the theme plays) were gonna have a couple of adventures let our imagintation do the talking. Perhaps maybe Jonny Ds rifle too. Today in the jonny d show a rather lifeless snouting.
"Hey Jonny D check this out!!" "Whaat is it important I'm currently coughing due to the number of cool detectives who smoke." "Look its evidence from the case you've been working on." "What case what work what evidence." "The man that was brutally murdered. You called it case poop." "Oh yeah." "Well look at this." (Jonny D stares at it.) "WHy are you looking at my face?" "I assumed when you meant look at this you meant the gravy on your face." "No look this foolish person left behind vital evidence hair!" "He can't help it if he loses hair. If he lost a pet rhino I could understand." "I'll run this hair under the DNA tester and bam it'll have the person who killed the man." "So while were waiting read any good books lately?" PING!! "Yes its done." "Bloody hell that was quick. So whos the killer? The Butler The butlers daughter." "None my popcorns done." "Oh right You can have this little test tube thingy it was in MY popcorn." "God when will he learn? THAT WAS THE DNA EVIDENCE YOU PUT THE DNA EVIDENCE IN THE MICROWAVE. NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO JK!" "He died?"

Friday, March 02, 2007

Jonny D, This Is Your Life.

So far jonny d is blindfolded and being taken somewhere.
So where am I going. "Err the gullotine factory." AGGGGGGHHHHH. 10 minutes later so where are we going for real this time?? "Jonny D we are going to roast you!!!!" AGGGGGGGGH "By roast do you think he meant have a special ceremony for him?" "I dont think so." 20 minutes later. "Jonny D I am Ben Dover and this is your life." (All it shows is a picture of Jonny d as a baby.) Gee that didn't take long bye. 30 mins later. "No that was just Steves presentation. Steve: Ohhh that was just steves presentation.. dork. "This is I'm not an arabs presentation." Oh crap. "Jonathan D Jeffersonson." LIES ALL LIES!!! "Was born on 6/6/06/" THAT TOO! "He currently works as CEO of his own corporate crapulance." Oh thats it. You dish the dirt on me I dish dirt on you. I'm not an arab is part of the fred bassett fan club, went out with Bruce Willis and is probably mentally undressing me right now. "And so-(crackling noises) whats the matter Charlie Brown?" "Okaay. Now its Argus the tormentors presentation." "Jonnie Dee was boren on mrch twenteeeee ferd." For the love of Pete. I'll give you a presentation on me.
Jonny Ds autobiography.

08:55 a young boy was born, two minutes later so was another he was named Jonny D to continue the family name legacy. Originally he was going to be called Freddy D but the mother got to name him it was only fair she did give birth to him. Jenny D the mother remembers the word Jonny F once said. “You know what? I’m going to be pregnant so I get to have the chance to name the baby.” Mr.F called his baby Loretta. It was decided that they were to poor for one to take care of them. Jonny D was taken to live with his very disturbing uncle named we don’t know he has several identities. Jenny D was to live with her mother, and moon unit his father. Jonny D had to be taught by his uncle he would teach him the wonders of grammar and punctuation but then he ran out of ideas. So he went to St. You know that guy. There he met Argus, Freddy, Kenny, Jackass, Steve. Jonny Ds uncle worked as a boot licker, not that it cleaned them it was just fun as all. The taste of sole reminded him of his wife. Six it was when they first met six it was when they first saw each other leave as she was taken away to a much better school. He had to lick his shoes until he felt better. His uncle then killed himself using poson “The poison without the I!” He left a 1 pound will. Jonny D said “Wow this could bring home like 10 packs of haribo!” He had to live with his aunt. A bit like David Copperfield no that was David Copperfield. He had to live with his street he made many friends who he killed for money. Then a fashion designer raised him up telling him rags was the latest fashion. She then killed herself with poiison “The poison with two I’s.” Since then Jonny Ds life’s been almost complete.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

the epic part 2 of witch doctor.

While walking they met a witch doctor he could bring jonny ds friends back to life bye.

Monday, January 29, 2007

The Witch Doctor

I wanna get my friends back, its so lonely, I want them so so bad, the last time I ever saw them was when I. "Come on its either here or it isn't. Look I don't think our lost and found covers human corpses its hamster corpses we specialise in, not the human kind." "Thanks for your help ma'am." "We can tag you hello you wanna tag??" That was just plain ol' weird I'm sure nothing else good will happen. "AND DONT COME BACK." A woman shouted from across the road. I went over she could have been throwing out a leprichaun. "I don't care if I destroyed your heirloom I'M A REPO MAN FOR GOD'S SAKE!! You-you-you're heirlooms are made of lead. NYAH." "AGGGGGHHH, NOW GO BEFORE I GO GET MY SON THOMAS WHOITT??" (Dudududududuuu)
Act II
"AHHH get away from here." "Blah blah b;ludnhhsfjkbdsfl." "Did you just say semi colon?" "NO!" I'd better get over and save that guy. "Wait you cannot kill this MAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" "Err Tommy did you cut that guys thumb off." "Errr no." "I'll take this guy to a hospital." "So whats your name kiddo and why you take me to the hospital. Because I care and that old woman might hit with a shoe." "She lives in a shoe." "I know. She could still hit me with it." "Can I come too?" "Sure why not Tommy." End of part 1